Local Man’s Life Now Entirely Narrated by Ghostbusters Lyrics, Friends Express Concern

By Malcolm T.
Human Correspondent, The Witless Wire

In what experts are calling “lyrically unsound but legally unpunishable,” local resident Darren Pickles has reportedly committed to living every waking moment through the vocal lens of Ray Parker Jr.’s 1984 hit Ghostbusters. Friends say the 46-year-old insurance claims adjuster hasn’t spoken a full sentence in weeks that doesn’t begin with “I ain’t afraid of no” followed by whatever object is closest or emotionally threatening.

According to witnesses, Darren has recently expanded his ghostbusting bravado into an impressive, if grammatically unstable, collection of rhymes:

• “I ain’t afraid of no host,” he said while being seated at Applebee’s.
• “I ain’t afraid of no post,” mumbled while doomscrolling Instagram captions from his ex.
• “I ain’t afraid of no roast,” he declared loudly at an Arby’s before aggressively unwrapping a Beef ‘n Cheddar and locking eyes with a toddler.
• “I ain’t afraid of no coast,” yelled from a paddleboat two feet offshore.

Even his attempts at dating have become lyric-laden minefields. On a recent Hinge date, he reportedly told a woman, “You got that ghost energy, girl,” before whispering, “Bustin’ makes me feel good” and high-fiving himself.

The date ended shortly after.

Despite the growing concern among friends and mental health professionals, Darren maintains he’s perfectly sane. “I’m not obsessed,” he told The Witless Wire between bites of overly sauced curly fries. “I just live my truth. And my truth happens to rhyme with ‘ghost.’”

When asked how it all began, Darren grew reflective.

“It was a Tuesday,” he said, staring into the middle distance. “I was making breakfast. Nothing fancy, just toast. I used the last two slices of bread. Set the toaster a little too high, got distracted watching a YouTube video about raccoon spirituality, and boom, blackened toast. Smoke. Panic. But I looked those charred slices dead in the crumbs and said, ‘I ain’t afraid of no toast.’ Then I ate them. No butter. No regrets. That’s when I knew. The phrase had power. So I started using it. For everything. I mean everything.”

Recent reports place Darren at various locations fearlessly declaring dominance over any word that slightly rhymes with ghost, including:

• “I ain’t afraid of no post,” shouted while confronting a certified letter.
• “I ain’t afraid of no host,” muttered at a dinner party where he wasn’t invited.
• “I ain’t afraid of no coast,” yelled from a paddleboat two feet offshore.

“It started when we got brunch,” said longtime friend Tina Mayfield. “He ordered avocado toast and just stared at it for a while before muttering, ‘I ain’t afraid of no toast.’ Then he bit into it like it owed him money.” she sighed. “But now he’s starting to use the ‘Who you gonna call?’ phrase too,” she said, rolling her eyes. “It’s only a matter of time before someone stops inviting him to things. I mean, besides me. I already stopped.”