“Oh, I Just Can’t Decide,” Local Woman Ponders Bath Mat Purchase for Nearly an Hour

By Witless Wire Staff

FORT COLLINS, CO — Local woman Haley Munroe, 29, reportedly lost all sense of time and reality Saturday afternoon while attempting to select a new bath mat from her local Bed Bath & Beyond.

“My current mat is fine,” she began, audibly narrating her shopping experience. “It has little fish on it. It’s functional. Soft, even. But just feel this one. Feel it.”

She was referring to Moss Cloud: Ultra-Plush, a muted taupe memory foam mat she described as “mature” and “probably the kind of mat that pays bills early and eats Greek yogurt for the probiotics, not the flavor.”

But before a decision could be made, a rival entered the arena: a cream-colored mat featuring a cartoon avocado wearing sunglasses, holding a microphone, flashing the rock-and-roll hand sign, and proudly declaring: “GUAC N’ ROLL.”

“This one is just… so cute,” Haley whispered, clutching the mat like a scroll containing ancient secrets. “It says I go to farmers markets. It says I could start a podcast. It says I’m still fun.”

Haley then began pacing in tight circles, occasionally standing barefoot on sample mats, whispering things like “Who am I in terrycloth?” and “Can whimsy be functional?”

“I asked if she needed help like three times,” said Keith M., a Bed Bath & Beyond employee working the towel wall. “She kept saying, ‘Not yet, but I might need to talk it through.’ And then she just… started talking.”

According to Keith, Haley asked him to evaluate the emotional tone of each mat.

“She held up the taupe one and said, ‘Does this say I drink red wine with restraint?’ And then the avocado one and said, ‘Or does this say I once jumped a fence at a Jason Mraz concert and I’d do it again?’ I just restock the aisles. I’m not trained for this.”

After nearly an hour of silent floor testing, excessive stroking, and a whispered pep talk in the hand towel aisle, Haley finally made her decision.

“You know what?” she said with renewed clarity. “I’m still in my twenties. I have plenty of time for taupe. Matching bath sets will come. But for now, I want to step out of the shower and be greeted by an avocado with dreams. He gets me.”

Back at home, her original fish-themed bath mat, still hanging on back at home, later released a statement reading:

“She can have her memory foam. I survived the 2021 plumbing incident. Let’s see that avocado hold the line when the toilet overflows.”