Man Turns 80, Divorces Wife of 56 Years to “Start Fresh”
“I always said when I hit 80, I’d clear the decks — that means the wife too,” he explains over yogurt.
Boca Raton, FL — Most people celebrate their 80th birthday with a sheet cake and a nap. But Harold Densmore had other plans: filing for divorce from his wife of 56 years, Myrtle, and announcing what he calls his “clean slate decade.”
“I always said when I turned 80, I’d start fresh,” Harold told reporters from his beige recliner. “New socks. New walking cane. New attitude. No more Myrtle.”
Myrtle Densmore, 78, was reportedly “mildly surprised but not entirely shocked,” citing Harold’s recent interest in Pilates, chia pudding, and using slang like “no cap.”
“He got a Fitbit and now he thinks he’s hot stuff,” Myrtle said, flipping through a copy of AARP Monthly. “Last week he trimmed his nose hairs and asked me if Axe Body Spray was still ‘off the chain.’”
Harold insists the decision is not personal, just punctual.
“I told everyone back in 1994, when I hit 80, boom, reset button,” he said, tapping his temple. “You can’t carry old luggage into a new decade. That includes Myrtle.”
When asked if there was someone else, Harold clarified:
“No, no, it’s not about another woman. I just want to experience bachelor life again, but with orthopedic insoles and a steady pension.”
Neighbors report seeing Harold taking duck face selfies and mumbling podcast intro ideas like, “Hey guys, welcome back to Silver Fox Chronicles.”
“He’s been watching, more like studying with intensity, The Bachelor,” said longtime neighbor Deirdre. “He paused it once and said, ‘He’s got good eyebrows for 72. But I can top that.’”
Harold’s post-divorce plans include:
- Launching a TikTok account under the name @FreshAt80, where he posts thirst traps and reviews fiber supplements.
- Writing a memoir titled “80 Is the New 40: The Harold Densmore Story”.
- Hiring a life coach who is 24 and describes Harold as “my oldest and most delusional client.”
- Getting a tattoo. My tattoo guy said, “Your skin is fragile, but these age spots? They have potential.”
But Myrtle has her own post-divorce plans. As it turns out, she’s been preparing for this moment longer than Harold realizes.
“Oh, I’ve had a side piece named Leonard for a while now,” Myrtle confessed, stirring her tea calmly. “We met at water aerobics. He’s a Virgo. Very attentive to my, um… well, let’s say he’s very selfless.”
According to Myrtle, the divorce was less of a betrayal and more of a mutual unspoken understanding.
“I think we both sensed the reboot coming,” she said. “Harold’s been joking about this since 1994. I thought he was just being ridiculous, but I’ve been ready. Just in case.”
She’s also signed up for a pottery class, rejoined her bridge club under her maiden name, and is considering a bold new hair color just to shake the dust off.
As for Harold, he wishes her well and may text occasionally.
“Every man has to reinvent himself at least once,” he said while blending a Metamucil smoothie. “And for me, that’s now. Age 80. Peak virility. Time to make questionable choices while I still remember them.”
He paused, looked around the room, and muttered, “Now where did I put my reading glasses?”
