Boy Who Received First Xbox for Birthday Devastated to Learn Every Cool Gamertag Already Taken
FAIRFIELD, OH — What started as a moment of digital rite-of-passage quickly spiraled into despair Saturday when 10-year-old Milo Densmore unwrapped his very first Xbox, only to discover that all the good usernames had been claimed sometime around 2007 by now-estranged adult men with tribal tattoos.
“I wanted to be ‘NightWolf,’” Milo told reporters through tears. “Then I tried ‘GhostHunter.’ Then ‘MiloTheBeast.’ But they were all taken. Even ‘Milo20000’ was taken. Who is Milo20000? Why does he have my life?”
After 47 minutes of increasingly desperate attempts, Xbox Live finally suggested a series of cursed alternatives including:
- GhostHunter69420xx
- MILO_xXx_killa42069
- xx_N1ghtW0lf_69_1337_xx
- and the hauntingly clinical: Milo_843728971237_69
“I don’t even know what 69 means,” Milo admitted. “But every name has it. Sometimes at the beginning. Sometimes at the end. One of them had it three times.”
His mother, Jenna Densmore, said she initially assumed the system was broken. “I thought there had to be a glitch,” she said. “But then I saw usernames like ‘xXx_DankDaddy420_xXx69’ were somehow still available. And I just… gave up.”
In a final act of compromise, Milo chose the name “xX_ShadowSniper420_69xXx392745”, though he fears it won’t hold up long-term. “My friends already forgot it. One of them just calls me ‘the numbers kid.’ I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Experts say this is part of a growing epidemic known as “Username Extinction Syndrome,” where new gamers are forced to choose names that resemble expired license plates or cryptocurrency wallet addresses.
“We failed this generation,” said one Microsoft insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We let Gen X and early Millennials hoard every cool name between 2005 and 2015. Now a 10-year-old can’t even be ‘DragonMaster’ without being ‘DragonMaster942038569_69z.’ It’s a disaster.”
Milo has reportedly begun campaigning for a full reset of Xbox Live, advocating a global “Username Purge Day” where all accounts are wiped unless the user can prove they’ve logged in sometime this decade.
Until then, he says he’ll continue gaming—quietly, anonymously, and with his mic off—because no one can pronounce his handle anyway.
