Local Man Plots Elaborate Revenge on Noisy Neighbor, Accidentally Chooses Series of Extremely Slow, Long-Term Tactics

Experts say the house might have structural damage by 2047 if the termites stay focused and well-fed.

Bakersfield, CA — After months of enduring late-night bass drops and EDM remixes of nursery rhymes, local resident Kyle Merritt has finally snapped.

His target? Next-door neighbor and self-proclaimed “weekend DJ,” Tanner Ruiz.

His weapon? Time. Lots and lots of time.

“I wanted something that would really ruin his life,” said Merritt, holding a small plastic container filled with what he described as “premium termites.” “Like… true, psychological warfare.”

Acquiring the termites turned out to be much harder than anticipated.

“At first, I called Orkin to see if they could, you know… bring some over,” Merritt confessed. “But apparently, they only exterminate termites. They don’t… relocate them for petty revenge purposes.”

Frustrated but determined, Merritt turned to Craigslist.

“That’s where I met ‘Steve,’” he said, making aggressive air quotes. “Cash only. No questions. The meet-up was behind a strip mall next to a broken soda machine. He handed me a plastic container, nodded, and said, ‘These ones are hungry.’ I’m honestly not sure if that made me feel better or worse.”

Merritt’s original plan was simple: release the termites into Ruiz’s walls and wait for chaos to unfold.

What he didn’t account for was how long termites take to do literally anything.

“I Googled it after the fact,” Merritt admitted. “Turns out, even a moderately-sized colony takes years to cause noticeable damage. Years! I was picturing, like, a dramatic floor collapse by Labor Day.”

When asked about next steps, Merritt revealed that he’s already implemented several other long-game revenge tactics without fully thinking them through.

Current Active Revenge Operations Include:

Planting Invasive Ivy:
Two weeks ago, Merritt planted fast-growing English ivy along the property line. “I heard it can take over a house if left unchecked,” he said. Experts estimate visible vine damage may begin sometime around 2031.

Sodium in the Lawn Soil:
Merritt scattered table salt over small sections of Ruiz’s front yard grass. “I read online it can kill plants… eventually,” he said, before pausing and adding, “I probably should have used more than one shaker.”

Sending Junk Mail Subscriptions:
Merritt signed Ruiz up for over a dozen magazine subscriptions, including Cat Fancy, Modern Ferret, and Brass Enthusiast Monthly. Delivery expected to start next billing cycle.

Slow-Release Fish Fertilizer:
He buried a small bag of slow-release fish fertilizer near the HVAC intake vent. “In high humidity, it’ll start to smell terrible… in about eight to ten months,” Merritt explained, proudly. “This one’s my sleeper agent.”

Expert Commentary:

Local pest control specialist Marcy Ortega reviewed Merritt’s revenge plan and struggled to keep a straight face.

“This is… honestly one of the most passive-aggressive and deeply ineffective revenge strategies I’ve seen,” Ortega said. “If the termites survive, the earliest you’d see serious structural damage is maybe 2045. Maybe.”

She added, “Also, most of these tactics can be solved with a lawn treatment, a good air filter, and… patience.”

The Neighbor’s Response:

When reached for comment, Ruiz seemed entirely unaware of the revenge campaign underway.

“I dunno, man. Kyle seems tense lately, but that’s probably just because I dropped my new DJ mix last weekend. It’s called ‘Bassline Baby Shark.’ You should check it out. Streaming everywhere.”

Closing Quote from Kyle Merritt:

“I don’t care how long it takes. One day, he’ll wake up, and everything around him will just… fall apart. Slowly. Quietly. Like… entropy, but personal.”

Merritt paused, staring at his bucket of termites with a mix of pride and mild regret.

“People say revenge is a dish best served cold,” he added. “I guess mine’s more like a dish best served cold, moldy, and after sitting in the back of the fridge for about fifteen years.”

He sighed.

“Also I might just call the cops about the noise next time. This is exhausting.”