Local Man Watches ‘Big Brother’ Solely to Decide Who He Hates the Most
He doesn’t root for favorites — he just waits for the one wearing a sunflower hat to cry and self-evict.
By Nina J.
Co‑Editor, Human | The Witless Wire
For most fans, Big Brother is a guilty pleasure — a summer spectacle of shifting alliances, competition wins, and cutthroat strategy. But for 34-year-old Phillip Green, it’s something far simpler.
“People think the competitions are the best part,” he said, waving them off. “For me, it’s all about the moment someone I can’t stand gets evicted and has to pretend to be gracious on live TV. That’s what I train for. That’s my Olympics.”
And Big Brother 27 has given Phillip plenty to work with.
The “Avant-Garde Scarecrow” and Other Enemies
First, there’s Ava Pearl, who has become the focal point of Phillip’s mounting disdain. A self-proclaimed aura painter from Long Island, Ava has baffled viewers — and specifically Phillip — with her constantly rotating headgear.
“She showed up Week 1 in a sunflower hat,” he said, visibly pained. “Not a cute, festival-y one. Like, full-on wearable mulch pile. She looked like an avant-garde scarecrow from a French horror film.”
Then there’s the Flex Alliance — Zae, Keanu, and Zach — a trio of gym bros who have formed an unshakable bond over protein powder, shirtless strategizing, and calling Julie Chen “Mama J” or “Auntie J” during live evictions.
“They say it with such sincerity, like Julie is their spiritual life coach,” Phillip said. “I’m convinced they think the winner is chosen based on live television ass-kissing. Also, Zach hasn’t worn a shirt since episode one. I’m convinced he brought one shirt, and the rest of his wardrobe is neon durags.”
Even Phillip’s wife, Lauren, has learned to adapt to the chaos.
“I don’t totally get the level of hatred,” she admitted. “But I’ve learned not to ask questions. He needs this. I just sit next to him and enjoy the view whenever the shirtless bros start doing lunges.”
Self-Eviction? Not on Phillip’s Watch.
What truly enrages Phillip, however, are the emotional unravelings — the moment a houseguest melts down and threatens to leave early.
“It happens every season,” he sighed. “Someone starts crying in the pantry and says they miss their kids or their Labradoodle or their fiancé’s gluten-free banana bread.”
He leaned forward, visibly annoyed, and said:
“You’re on Big Brother, not stranded in the Yukon with a flint and a knife. You’re living in a fully catered influencer dome with gym equipment and a pool, for Chrissake. Get it together. Hell, if it’s so hard, just go take an hour-long shower in the HOH room — ask Ashley how that worked out. #ShowerGate.”
Last week, when a contestant suggested self-evicting due to “overwhelming vibes,” Phillip made eye contact with the screen and whispered:
“I swear if you quit before eviction night, I will start a podcast just to shame you.”
A Victory Like No Other
When Phillip’s Most Hated Houseguest (MHH) finally gets the boot, his celebration is loud and structured.
“Last year I played ‘Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead’ on repeat for 45 minutes and made an eviction cake,” he recalled. “This season I’ve already prepped a confetti cannon. It’s labeled ‘For Ava or Any Bro.’”
According to his own tiered system, the best evictions involve:
- A backdoor blindside
- A shirtless bro
- A cold-shoulder exit, where the evicted houseguest skips all hugs, refuses eye contact, and slams the front door shut just to block the others from reading the live audience reaction
“I Don’t Love This Game. I Love When It Destroys People.”
Phillip knows he’s not a traditional fan. He doesn’t remember past winners. He skips the post-eviction interviews. But he can tell you every single contestant who cried before Week 3, every time someone said “manifesting a comp win,” and every hat Ava Pearl has worn in chronological order.
“I respect the game,” he said. “But I respect its capacity for emotional demolition more.”
As of this writing, he’s still waiting for his number one target to be evicted. But when it happens?
“There will be Champagne. There will be air horns. There will be victory waffles shaped like their stupid face.”
