Local Woman Delivers Oscar-Worthy “Oh, Totally Natural!” When Asked If Friend’s Tattooed Eyebrows Look Real

“Her mouth was smiling, but her eyebrows looked like they were daring us to fight.”

PORTLAND, OR — In a feat of emotional agility and social diplomacy, 29-year-old Emily Parker successfully managed to say the words “Oh, totally natural!” in a way that sounded both casual and confident when her friend asked, “They look totally natural, right?”

The question, posed by her friend Dana — who had recently undergone a full eyebrow tattooing procedure — came without warning, mid-matcha sip and with intense, unblinking eye contact.

Emily’s pupils reportedly dilated. A flush crept up her neck. Somewhere behind her left knee, a bead of sweat formed — the kind of sweat usually reserved for first dates, job interviews, and surprise improv exercises.

“If I hesitate, she’ll know. If I answer too fast, she’ll also know. This is a verbal bomb defusal,” she thought, panic-mode engaged.
“Am I sweating? I’m definitely sweating. She’s going to smell the fear. The brows will sense it.”
“Does she know this is permanent? Like… that color’s going to be in her wedding photos. And her retirement party. Oh, gawd. Her future kids are going to spend their entire childhood explaining those brows to their friends and teachers.”

Dana had undergone what she called a “hyperrealistic brow transformation” several weeks ago, giving Emily no warning before their reunion at the café. The healing was long over — the results, unfortunately, were not. The brows were now crisp, aggressive, and a hue never before seen in nature. Emily stared at them the way one might stare at a fake plant that insists it’s thriving.

When asked if you could even tell they were tattooed, Dana reportedly pressed, “Be honest. Like, would you even guess?”

Emily, running on cortisol and caffeine, responded with a measured, “Oh my god no, like… they look so real. I literally wouldn’t know unless you told me.”

Eyewitnesses say she then took a performative sip of her oat milk latte to avoid further elaboration, but followed it up with a compliment that was “just vague enough to be believable.”

“You just look so put together right now,” she added, motioning vaguely to Dana’s entire face.

Experts say the compliment was vague enough to shift focus away from the brows and onto literally anything else.

Emily later admitted she briefly considered using the AR beauty filter app FaceMockr to show Dana what her brows actually looked like, but decided it wasn’t worth losing the friendship.

“We’re not at that stage in our lives yet,” she said. “Maybe in our forties, when truth becomes a gift instead of a weapon.”

At press time, Dana was asked to leave a restorative yoga class after her eyebrows were described as “visibly combative” during final relaxation.

“Her mouth was smiling,” said one student, “but her eyebrows looked like they were daring us to fight.”